Something happened recently to people I care about (keeping confidentiality) it reminded me that all to often poor communication seems the root cause to relationship breakdowns in families, or with friendships or between colleagues.

When it all goes wrong

What starts as a conversation can easily escalate into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten/lost, you lose track of what you’re even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved. Even simple discussions turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship (friends/family etc). Angry fighting leads to distance, yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. This type of communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible to address their issues together.

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. “
Writer, George Bernard Shaw

Art of communication

I believe that the ‘art of communication’ requires an awareness not only of how we are communicating with another person, but how we also communicate with ourselves. In this way you can bring out your authentic self, by making a conscious effort to bring out the best in someone else through your communication. Making communication less me-centric, or talking at someone rather than with them.   Although if you know that someone is spoiling for a flight, then make your excuses and leave it until the emotional intensity has subsided. Don’t let them use you as an emotional punchbag.

What is Mindful Communication?

Mindful communication is about talking to another person mindfully, it starts with awareness and then giving them the attention they deserve. So no matter who you are speaking with comes from a place that is present, kind and respectful for no other reason than that’s how you want to treat them and be treated in return.

Mindful communication:

• Being present. Try to pick the most appropriate time and place for both parties and preferably no distractions (phones, tablets, tv). For example last thing at night you are likely to be tired and may not be the most suitable time of day.
• Be prepared. Make some notes about what you want to say, read it out loud and see how it sounds to you. Keep to the point.  Make sure you are not using inflammatory language. Be aware of the tone and expressions you are using.
• How does it sound? If it’s acceptable to you, thats great however, if it’s not, change it as you would want it said to you.
• Listen – I mean really listen. Try not to interupt – we all have a tendency to do this and have had it done to us, but it really doesn’t help!
• What does your body language say?  For example – have good eye contact. Your body language is also important as it often gives away so much information about you.  Body language can demonstrate how you really feel and it can conflict with your words/meaning.
• Tone and expression. These are considered to be even more important than the words you use. So if its a difficult discussion that needs to happen – think about doing it face to face.
• Remember that there are two sides to every communication. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view – you don’t have to agree with it but it helps them to be heard.  This can also help them to open up to you, and have the added benefit finding out any hidden agendas or games being played.
• The Sandwich Method for difficult conversations. It should go without saying that all of your issues or criticisms (positive or negative) should be authentic and well thought out.  You should ask yourself the question – it is useful or do you really need to challenge/critique/feedback?  Does it have to be now or can it be deal with better at a later time?  Or will it just make a situation worse? For challenging situations try the ‘Sandwich method’…

The Sandwich Method

1. Start off with positive feedback (authentic praise of something they did recently). Try and give some detail to it, so it will feel more in proportion to the feedback/criticism.
2. Provide your constructive criticism.  Be brief, yet clear and thorough in your delivery of the feedback/criticism you want to share. Provide your constructive criticism. Ideally you are giving them constructive criticism on just one thing (at most two things)…I find criticism of 3 or more items is too much for a person to handle at one time. Additionally, try to give them the criticism in the context of how it can help them reach their goals.
3. End on a positive note – Ideas on how to end with positivity include:
   You could simply reiterate the initial positive feedback/compliment you had given them.
   – You could speak in general terms about how much progress they are making.
   – You can compliment them on their receptiveness to receiving constructive feedback/criticism.

I’m not putting myself on any pedestal, as I’ve made plenty of mistakes too. However I’ve noticed that as I continue practicing mindful speech and increased my listening skills, the ‘pot of gold’ at the end of my rainbow is that I’m seeing a positive impact with my children, family and friends. I’m sure I will occasionally mess up, but I can see how its made me a better person which is improving my ability to communicate more effectively in both my personal and business life.